Bus Stop Prayers for Friday

 Dear God,

We did it! We made it to Friday!

Thank you for getting us through a week of doctor appointments, swim classes, book fairs, broken Crome books, and deodorant reminders (so many reminders!).

Please bring them home safely. 

Let the weekend nurture their bodies and souls.

Please grant the teachers rest from this weighty responsibility given to them. 

God, please prepare everyone to do this again on Monday.

Amen 

Bus Stop Prayers

 This morning as I was watching Luke get on the bus, I said my typical prayer for him. Y'all, some days it's hard to watch my baby get on the bus. I thought if someone published a book called Bus Stop Prayers, I would buy it. And then I thought, well, I could write these prayers. Kate Bowler can't do everything.

Warning for spicy language. 

A Prayer For After the Unspeakable Happens, Again

Dear Lord, 

Please. Just Please. 

Protect these babies. Bless this bus driver, help them safety deliver these children to school.

Please bless every single adult in this school who will stand in harm's way for these children. Lord, please don't ever let this become a reality.

Lord, it's a long shot, but please keep the children oblivious to the dangers around them, for now. Please allow them a little more innocence in this crazy world.

And Lord, please get our lawmakers get off their fucking asses and DO something about this. Children shouldn't fear gun violence in school. 

Amen.

Nice

     For the past week or two, I've been thinking about niceness. What does it mean to be nice? When do you need to be nice? Why are we conditioned to be nice? When is it ok to throw nice under the bus?

    In the past two weeks, my general disposition to niceness has been challenged. See, in addition to being nice, I'm also an advocate for myself and my children. Sometimes being nice and being an advocate are in direct opposition to each other. I was in situations in which people I was not able to physically distance myself from refused to wear their mask or other protective gear correctly. First, I politely, NICELY, pointed out the problem, hoping that it was an accidental lapse. When I received push back, I pushed back too. I was no longer remotely interested in being nice. We tired nice Katie and now you're dealing with Katie who Firmly Enforces Boundaries.

    I was reflecting on where I learned this doctrine of niceness. I think it was strongly imposed upon me in grade school, and because I was a compliant child (not so much as an adult) I took this message of niceness to heart. There was a child in my class who had been removed from their family of origin due to abuse. They were still unpacking all of this trauma in fourth grade. Probably as a result of this trauma, this child acted as a bully and sometimes picked on me. The teachers and my parents knew that this child was processing trauma. I did not. I was asked to sympathize with this student. Looking at this situation as an adult, I see it differently. But as a child, all I saw was that adults were asking me to be nice to my bully. While I am certainly over the experience now and say a prayer for them whenever I think of them, that's an awful message to send to a child. Be nice to those who abuse you.

    As a result of this indoctrination of niceness, it's taken me a long time to find my voice. I remember one of the first times I pushed back was in the hospital after Doug was born. I had a nurse in training who was not remotely offering appropriate and safe care. After several attempts to correct this situation, I told her not to return to my room. Since finding my voice, I've used it to push back against abusive behavior, non-inclusive environments, and unfair rules. 

One of my take aways from all of this is teaching my kids to speak up. I don't want them to be compliant because they are afraid of speaking up and making people uncomfortable.  I am trying to teach them appropriate boundaries for themselves. I'm also trying to teach them to respect the boundaries of others. 

I feel like niceness is the lubricant that helps our society function. Just make sure you're not using it to spackle over something ugly.

Love in the Time of Covid

I have eight eggs in my refrigerator. No, this is not a plea for more eggs, but I have always had the luxury of not knowing precisely how much food I have on hand. Needless to say, it does cause anxiety. If nothing else comes from this, I hope more Americans understand the plight of those who have food insecurity.

My anxiety was really bad yesterday. When I get anxious, it manifests as irritation and anger. I had to give myself a time out last night. The kids are ALWAYS here now, omnipresent. I cannot get a break from their physical proximity. But I went into my room, turned off the lights, and laid down and did one of the breathing exercises on my fitbit for the first time. I apologized to the kids. A lot. We discussed better ways of living with each other. I made up "Kindness Cards" for them to earn when they do something especially thoughtful for one another. The cards can be traded in for 5 minutes of device time, they can use a bunch at once or one at a time. It DOES seem to be working.

 We came inside from being outside for over an hour. The kids had been riding their scooter and bike around for 50 minutes. I really needed a break. Luke, of course, barged into the bathroom to ask for help with our Lego balloon car experiment. I was done. So, instead of becoming impatient, I set him a timer, told him that I needed a few minutes to do things for myself, wash my face, take some meds and get a drink. When the timer went off, I'd be ready to help him. It worked for him. He knew that I WAS going to get back to him and that it would only be a few minutes. So I do recommend it.

I'm having trouble thinking about the future and what may yet come. I have no idea. I'm planning more curriculum for the kids. Doug and I both have a passion for early American history, so I'm actually looking forward into digging into that with him. But, it's lots of waiting. How are you and yours coping?

Day 1

Unprecedented is a word that has been thrown around so much the last three years, but it continues to apply. Day one of Official Social Distancing has been calm so far. I decided to make up a loose schedule for the kids to preserve both continuity and sanity. I think we did pretty well.

We started off later than I had planned. Luke came into my room at 3:30 in the morning to say that his tummy hurt. I was prepared for the worst and nervous about him being on the new bed. I decided it was probably acid re-flux from post nasal drip and gave him a tums, which he said was spicy. I do not know. Anyway, so I slept in a bit because I was up with Luke for a while on top of my anxious insomnia.

The first thing we did this morning was math, reading, and writing workbooks.
Luke practiced his name and address.

I used a trick from my old job, magic stones.  Each time the kids did something helpful or a good job, they got a stone in their jar. Every time they had to be redirected, I got to take one back. The stakes are high. Whoever has the most stones by Saturday afternoon gets to choose our evening movie! I'm really pulling for Doug here honestly, because I CANNOT watch 'Planes Fire & Rescue' again.

These Star Wars workbooks are great. I don't have any action shots of Doug working because he did most of his work independently.

Counting and a number line! We're working on counting to thirty.

We had a bit of a break and did a puzzle. I swept and mopped the kitchen floor last week for this very reason. Luke was pretty excited. He did have to be redirected a few times back to the puzzle, so I see where the ADHD might be.

We had a nice family lunch together since Jeff is home now too. After lunch, Doug and I began to work again on his 'God & Family' cub scout badge. I think it might take us into next week if we break each section into halves. He is learning a lot though and it is fun to actually teach him about the bible. He asks very good questions.

 After lunch we did PE/recess/get the hell out of the house. Today I set up an obstacle course. The kids each had three turns and ran it timed. Luke flew through the tunnel, which Doug had to basically pull on and off like a dress (it was HYSTERICAL) but lost time over all because his legs are so short.

 Then we got their bike and scooter out and they rode around for a bit. We were outside for an hour overall, with the goal in mind of wearing them out. I think I over achieved there, because Luke was just so DONE by bed time.

We came back inside for some arts and crafts. Luke used markers to color a wood craft from  Michael's that has a battery operated candle in it. Doug opted to start something on canvas.

Our science experiment today was brief. We put pepper in water to simulate germs and then soap on their fingers to simulate how soap repels germs. I think they got it and it seemed super timely. 

We did some yoga on you tube, kid's cosmic yoga. They picked a Pokemon themed one tonight. They did pretty well. They got a bit rowdy towards the end, but after how stressed we've all been, I can't really blame them.

Overall, I think I managed to strike the right balance between work and leisure and fun today. They didn't spend the day in front of screens (absolutely NO judgement here, you do you) and they didn't try to kill each other and I didn't have an urge to force choke anyone. This is going to be our structure until we hear otherwise now. I don't imagine this will stop soon. Be safe and well!

Saying Good Bye to Mommy Regrets

        Every parent feels hassled these days. PTA meetings, soccer practice, cub scouts, double ear infections, homework, and the list goes on and on. It's so hard not to succumb to the every day stress of simply living your life.

      As a parent with chronic illness, the challenge is even harder. I have to accomplish things AND do it in such a way that I'm not desperately over tired the next day, so I can get up and do it all AGAIN. It's hard some times. I am however, proud to say, that I have hauled myself out of bed and gotten Doug to school everyday he needed to go. He has never missed a day of school due to my illness. It may not seem like a big deal to some people, but some days the personal sacrifice is huge.

     And that's why I'm cutting myself some slack. Back in September, when my endometriosis pain started becoming so bad that it was painful to walk, I decided that I would 'treat myself' and drive to school rather than walk in the mornings. I have also decided I will pick him up in the car when it rains as the logistics of walking a toddler to school, in the rain, are insane. We have bought a huge box of chicken pot pies from Costco to have on nights when I'm not up to making dinner. We also have frozen pasta for the same reason. Today, I decided to treat myself to the five dollar surcharge and pick up my groceries at the store instead of shopping for them in the rain. Good use of five dollars and it will save me quite a bit of energy and precious time.

     Letting go of things you haven't accomplished is difficult. I had bought some crafts for Doug and I to do over the holidays, but due to a long, awful, migraine cluster, they didn't happen. I also bought lots of dry ingredients for cookies I never baked. Instead of feeling anxious about these things, I've decided to just let it go. No point dwelling on what cannot be changed. My energy is better spent else where for sure.

   So I think in 2017, I'm going to give myself more license to cut myself some slack. Let the clean laundry sit in the hallway for a day. Let the kitchen floor go longer between moppings. Stock the freezer with meals to make for when I'm unable to. So cut yourself some slack too! Have a glass of wine and watch some tv on the couch tonight instead of paying the bills.

Shifting Gears

So I've been in a nasty flare up, since June. For whatever reason, my endometriosis has been pissing everything off in my pelvis. It makes it difficult and uncomfortable to sleep, so naturally that leads to a flare up of my fibromyalgia. Now there's pain from my fibro, which also makes it difficult to sleep, which leads to... more pain. It's a nasty cycle, and because of my endo involvement, I'm having a hell of a time breaking out of it. Even my physical therapist and neurologist are getting frustrated by this.

I've been in denial, somewhat, about the length and severity of this flare up. I finally realized the other day that so many of my recent daily frustrations stem from the fact that I'm trying to live like I'm NOT in a flare up. So I realized that I need to retool things, down shift to help me get through this. I know that there have been relationships I've been neglecting, and it hasn't been personal, it's been an attempt to save my energy for other things. And unfortunately, there's going to be a lot more of that for the time being.

The good news is that I feel like I have finally reached the bottom of the pit of despair, which means there's only one direction left to go, up! This past weekend was difficult. I had a treatment in the doctor's office on Friday which at first seemed promising, but then seems to have failed. I was also given an increased dosage of one of my medications, which the cost of is now astronomical. I can afford it, but I choose not to spend an absurd amount of money on it (what I had been paying for a three month supply is now the cost of only one month). Luckily, Jeff realized that I was stuck in this pit and threw down a ladder and climbed in after me. I think I'm going to be able to make it out, again. Because that's what you do when you live with chronic illness, you keep climbing out of the same pit, over and over gain, because you have to.

Self care is important, be well!