For the past week or two, I've been thinking about niceness. What does it mean to be nice? When do you need to be nice? Why are we conditioned to be nice? When is it ok to throw nice under the bus?
In the past two weeks, my general disposition to niceness has been challenged. See, in addition to being nice, I'm also an advocate for myself and my children. Sometimes being nice and being an advocate are in direct opposition to each other. I was in situations in which people I was not able to physically distance myself from refused to wear their mask or other protective gear correctly. First, I politely, NICELY, pointed out the problem, hoping that it was an accidental lapse. When I received push back, I pushed back too. I was no longer remotely interested in being nice. We tired nice Katie and now you're dealing with Katie who Firmly Enforces Boundaries.
I was reflecting on where I learned this doctrine of niceness. I think it was strongly imposed upon me in grade school, and because I was a compliant child (not so much as an adult) I took this message of niceness to heart. There was a child in my class who had been removed from their family of origin due to abuse. They were still unpacking all of this trauma in fourth grade. Probably as a result of this trauma, this child acted as a bully and sometimes picked on me. The teachers and my parents knew that this child was processing trauma. I did not. I was asked to sympathize with this student. Looking at this situation as an adult, I see it differently. But as a child, all I saw was that adults were asking me to be nice to my bully. While I am certainly over the experience now and say a prayer for them whenever I think of them, that's an awful message to send to a child. Be nice to those who abuse you.
As a result of this indoctrination of niceness, it's taken me a long time to find my voice. I remember one of the first times I pushed back was in the hospital after Doug was born. I had a nurse in training who was not remotely offering appropriate and safe care. After several attempts to correct this situation, I told her not to return to my room. Since finding my voice, I've used it to push back against abusive behavior, non-inclusive environments, and unfair rules.
One of my take aways from all of this is teaching my kids to speak up. I don't want them to be compliant because they are afraid of speaking up and making people uncomfortable. I am trying to teach them appropriate boundaries for themselves. I'm also trying to teach them to respect the boundaries of others.
I feel like niceness is the lubricant that helps our society function. Just make sure you're not using it to spackle over something ugly.
