Love in the Time of Covid

I have eight eggs in my refrigerator. No, this is not a plea for more eggs, but I have always had the luxury of not knowing precisely how much food I have on hand. Needless to say, it does cause anxiety. If nothing else comes from this, I hope more Americans understand the plight of those who have food insecurity.

My anxiety was really bad yesterday. When I get anxious, it manifests as irritation and anger. I had to give myself a time out last night. The kids are ALWAYS here now, omnipresent. I cannot get a break from their physical proximity. But I went into my room, turned off the lights, and laid down and did one of the breathing exercises on my fitbit for the first time. I apologized to the kids. A lot. We discussed better ways of living with each other. I made up "Kindness Cards" for them to earn when they do something especially thoughtful for one another. The cards can be traded in for 5 minutes of device time, they can use a bunch at once or one at a time. It DOES seem to be working.

 We came inside from being outside for over an hour. The kids had been riding their scooter and bike around for 50 minutes. I really needed a break. Luke, of course, barged into the bathroom to ask for help with our Lego balloon car experiment. I was done. So, instead of becoming impatient, I set him a timer, told him that I needed a few minutes to do things for myself, wash my face, take some meds and get a drink. When the timer went off, I'd be ready to help him. It worked for him. He knew that I WAS going to get back to him and that it would only be a few minutes. So I do recommend it.

I'm having trouble thinking about the future and what may yet come. I have no idea. I'm planning more curriculum for the kids. Doug and I both have a passion for early American history, so I'm actually looking forward into digging into that with him. But, it's lots of waiting. How are you and yours coping?

Saying Good Bye to Mommy Regrets

        Every parent feels hassled these days. PTA meetings, soccer practice, cub scouts, double ear infections, homework, and the list goes on and on. It's so hard not to succumb to the every day stress of simply living your life.

      As a parent with chronic illness, the challenge is even harder. I have to accomplish things AND do it in such a way that I'm not desperately over tired the next day, so I can get up and do it all AGAIN. It's hard some times. I am however, proud to say, that I have hauled myself out of bed and gotten Doug to school everyday he needed to go. He has never missed a day of school due to my illness. It may not seem like a big deal to some people, but some days the personal sacrifice is huge.

     And that's why I'm cutting myself some slack. Back in September, when my endometriosis pain started becoming so bad that it was painful to walk, I decided that I would 'treat myself' and drive to school rather than walk in the mornings. I have also decided I will pick him up in the car when it rains as the logistics of walking a toddler to school, in the rain, are insane. We have bought a huge box of chicken pot pies from Costco to have on nights when I'm not up to making dinner. We also have frozen pasta for the same reason. Today, I decided to treat myself to the five dollar surcharge and pick up my groceries at the store instead of shopping for them in the rain. Good use of five dollars and it will save me quite a bit of energy and precious time.

     Letting go of things you haven't accomplished is difficult. I had bought some crafts for Doug and I to do over the holidays, but due to a long, awful, migraine cluster, they didn't happen. I also bought lots of dry ingredients for cookies I never baked. Instead of feeling anxious about these things, I've decided to just let it go. No point dwelling on what cannot be changed. My energy is better spent else where for sure.

   So I think in 2017, I'm going to give myself more license to cut myself some slack. Let the clean laundry sit in the hallway for a day. Let the kitchen floor go longer between moppings. Stock the freezer with meals to make for when I'm unable to. So cut yourself some slack too! Have a glass of wine and watch some tv on the couch tonight instead of paying the bills.

Popcorn Reading List

The other day I was lounging on our couch in the basement, watching Doug and Jeff play. Directly across from me are two large bookcases. As they played, I looked at some of my favorite books on the shelves. So many books, some I haven't re-read in quite a while.  As I looked over the books, I was realizing the books had a few things in common. Being physical books, they were all purchased prior to Doug's birth. And while most of these books wouldn't be considered high literature, they were all decent reads, meaty, thick books with complex characters and plots. I'm sure many of them have been on the NY Times best seller lists, etc.

Then I began to think about the kinds of books on my Kindle. Sure, there are a few books like that, but not as many as I'd like and certainly not too many after Doug was born. I still read regularly. I will admit my reading took a hit during the first trimester when I was exhausted (making up for it in the bathroom though, I think).

As I began to ponder the issue and review what I've been reading in the past year, I realized that my reading selections tend to be books that are easily consumable. Books that are satisfying but have no intellectual value, like popcorn for your brain, delicious, but not nutritional. Last winter/spring I began reading romance books, for something to read. The characters aren't deep, the plot is always predictable and my brain doesn't have to do too much work. Easy for a tired brain. I probably didn't read much more than half a dozen of these books before I got tired of them and moved on.

I don't remember exactly how I stumbled into the next books I began reading, but it was sometime late last spring. To date, I've read probably close to a dozen Star Trek the Next Generation books. And by read, I mean devour. For a while I was confused by this new trend of mine. I'm not really a sci-fi reader. But then I realized it wasn't too difficult for my poor brain. It was drawing on an established list of characters with predictable reactions. The plots were much more involved than the romance novels and funnier, and more enjoyable.  For a while I was unhappy with this new literary fetish of mine, but then I realized it doesn't matter, I'm reading and it's enjoyable.

I did join a book club recently and I am sprinkling more 'literary' books into my reading. But right now, there's a crisis the Enterprise is facing, and I don't know if the crew will be able to save the day....

Against the Grain

We've made some difficult decisions lately. I won't get into that here, but I'll only say that we did what we believed was right for our family. As I was considering our options this week, I began to remember some of the times I've had to make difficult decisions and the consequences of doing what I believe to be right. The following is one of my all time favorite stories.

Picture it:  April Fools day at a Catholic all girls school, a group of second semester freshmen going to their after lunch English class taught by a woman who was rumored to throw freshmen out the window. I'm pretty sure she never had a parking spot. She chose to park her broom in the closet in her room. Anyway, the girls got there early, as freshmen are wont to do. Some of them thought it would be absolutely hilarious to hide from the teacher in the near by stairwell. I am a fair judge of character, in my opinion, and I did not believe this teacher would be amused in the slightest. Not. At. All. Anyway, the girls decided to go and hide and I dithered a moment before deciding to go sit down in the classroom. I knew the teacher wouldn't be amused and I decided I just didn't want any part of it. A few other girls were unsure about the prank, but ultimately decided to go along with the group. A few minutes later the teacher entered the room, she looked around and asked me if we had class or not. I said or squeaked "yes". She asked me if I knew where my classmates went and I said no (I actually didn't know, the location of the staircase was picked before I got to the group). So she stormed off looking for the class. She found them very quickly and as I predicted, she was pretty pissed.

That incident became rather notorious. I imagine she is still telling freshmen about this group of girls that hid from her.

I've never been one to "just go along with the group".  It goes against the grain of my character.

Just the Two of Us

I cherish my one on one time with Doug. We go to story time together. I ferry him to his gym classes and to pre-school. We run errands to Target and Walmart and to the grocery store. We explore new places together, Wegman's, the bouncy place and new playgrounds. Sometimes we stop for snacks when we're out running around. We'll have some coffee and juice and split a muffin at Starbucks. We'll share an order of medium Mcdonald's fries at Walmart. He is my little buddy, my side kick.

 He wants to be like Daddy, but he wants to be like Mommy too. He insists on getting a box of animal crackers at Wegman's because he needs his "purse" (the box of animal crackers comes with a string handle). I feel like we're on a team when we're out and about together. As much as I'd love an addition to our family, I'm glad that Doug is getting so much one on one time with me. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Ebb & Flow

The past eight or nine months of being off of my fibromyalgia medications has been a learning experience. I'm still feeling around for my limits of pain and fatigue and unfortunately, that changes throughout the month making things more complicated than need be. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely good reasons for me to be off my medication. Overall, I'm less fatigued than I had been. I've had a decrease of other side effects as well. It has just taken me a long time to get to know my fibro in this new situation.

Every so often, I go through this internal struggle with my illness. I begin to wonder if I do actually need to limit my activities because of the fibro. I wonder if it's actually the illness that is limiting or it's my own perception of the illness. Basically I wonder, am I lazy or am I sick? And so then I go and do something not really wise.

Last week, I skipped my crash day. It had been a really busy weekend and I rested a bit that Monday, but I thought that Tuesday I could just get up and get on with the things I'd like to do that day. That Tuesday I was fine. Unfortunately, that Wednesday, Jeff's car became compromised and it was old enough and broken enough that it was better to replace it than fix it. Which led to one very long day at a car dealership buying a car and then another long afternoon the next day bringing in our old car to trade in. Basically, I probably would have been okay that week, if not for the emergency. But this week I'm still trying to pick myself back up after a rather long last week, and I wonder how things would have turned out if I'd taken my day to rest.

So that's sort of where my mind set has been the past several weeks. I am tired. I do rationally know that it's due to being ill, but it's still difficult to really wrap my head around that. I am excited and a bit nervous about some new responsibilities and activities I've taken on and will be taking on. Some of them will be short term and other a bit long term. I love being able to get out of the house and interact with other people. I miss trouble shooting, and I'm definitely getting the ability to do it now!

So for now I've decided I'm going to be cautious, but still try new things. Push my limits a bit here and there. Just keep swimming!

May The Fourth Be With You!

Do you ever have those days when you wonder what on earth is wrong with humanity? The other day I had several separate incidents in which I wondered what was wrong with this person!

Yesterday Doug and I met my mother and my grandmother for lunch at Red Lobster. We were seated in a large booth across from the hostess's desk. Before we left, I took Doug to the restroom to change his diaper. On the way back, across from our booth, we crossed paths with this elderly couple. The lady was using a cane to walk and walked several steps out of her way over to me. She looked up at me and said, "Can you do something for me?". I was a bit taken back, so I stumbled, "Uh, sure?". She opened her hand and she had two balled up Kleenexes. She asked me if I could throw them away. Totally taken aback and now shocked, I did. I walked 4 feet (!) to the desk and threw it away in the trashcan there. After I was done, I was a bit confused by the whole encounter. Normally, I wouldn't accept such a thing from a stranger. I understand that she was using a cane, and that walking wasn't easy. Believe me, she couldn't have found some one more empathetic. But she walked out of her way to me, she was closer to the hidden trashcan than to me. Also, why couldn't she have had her HUSBAND do it? Sticking them in her pocket wasn't a bad idea either. Needless to say, I purelled the heck out of my hands and vowed to never do such a thing again.

About an hour later I arrived at the store. Doug was passed out in his car-seat, so instead of carrying him around, I decided I'd get his stroller out. Now, let me tell you, that this week I've been a bit more fatigued and tired than usual. Also, possibly a bit whinier about it too. So, when I saw a spot that wasn't a handicapped spot and was close to the door, I nabbed it. It was actually the last regular spot and was next to a handicapped spot (on the driver's and car-seat side). I went and opened the trunk and began to unfold the stroller. Then I went and put my bag underneath the stroller, and lastly I got Doug out. His stroller straps are numerous. I'm not sure why, perhaps the makers thought the stroller would be involved in some sort of stroller demolition derby. I'm surprised it doesn't have a roll bar. But anyway, it takes a moment to get him all in, and during this point, I vaguely heard a car honk and I ignored it. After I was done, I noticed a van parking in a handicapped spot across from my car. As we came even with the first car in the handicapped spots, I saw a woman sitting in it with her window rolled down. She leaned out of it and said something along the lines of "the nerve of them honking at you when there are plenty of spaces!". So, basically, I got honked at because I was putting my BABY in his stroller and it wasn't happening fast enough for these people. I won't say that I didn't send a glare their direction.

Last night we were having a plumbing emergency*. At about ten thirty the plumber arrived and was getting his tools out of his truck when we got a phone call on our house line. Jeff answered it and said,"No, no, she doesn't live here. No, you have the wrong number." He then proceeded to give the caller the number she called (she asked) and then hung up. The plumber came in and Jeff followed him downstairs. I decided to try to start to get Doug ready for bed, as it was waaaay past bed time, when the phone rang AGAIN. Now, I think just about everyone agrees that past 10:30 it too late to call people. It's just rude and annoying. Also, it gets your adrenaline going, because you wonder, "Oh my gosh, what's wrong?", because decent people only call after then for emergencies. I answer the phone. The caller ID tells me that this is the SAME number that called five minutes ago. Sure enough, the caller asks for the SAME PERSON. Now, normally, I'm not rude to callers. I can and will be curt, but generally polite. But this person was clearly not getting that Annie did NOT live here! So I told her off (long day, plumbing emergency). I won't swear I didn't use obscenities, but I think I avoided it. It must have worked, because she didn't call back for Annie anymore.

This last incident happened today when I took Doug to the doctor's. It's more humorous and exasperating than the other incidents. Today we saw the nurse practitioner because Doug has a rash that I thought was eczema. The rash was apparently something seasonal and common that toddlers get, it goes away on its own, basically no big deal. So after she gave me this info, she proceeded to ask how things were at home. You know, who's at home with us, any more kids? Anything else going on..... (looking intently at me)? I was a bit flustered, about this and had no idea what she was getting at. I said no, just Doug and I, Daddy works.... Then it dawned on me that I must actually look how I feel for once (very sore and very fatigued). The undertone I was getting from her was like, "Well, does your husband throw you down the stairs every night?". I was amused that I must have looked how I felt, but I was too tired to get into the whole "Well, I'm a hypothyroid person with fibromyalgia, and if you could not use big words today, that would be great. Also, don't call CPS on us, because we're totally cool.". Maybe I should print up some handouts for next time? Too exhausting to go through it each time I see them!



*Very long, uninteresting, expensive story.

Windfalls

Today seems to be full of unexpected windfalls. This morning as I was getting Doug and myself up, my mother texted me to see if we could meet for lunch at the Amish Market. So I got Doug and I packed up and ready to go. We ended up having a nice lunch there and Doug surprised us by feeding himself with a fork! After lunch, my mother said that she could take Doug for the rest of the afternoon! I was so excited and relieved that I didn't know what to do! So, now Jeff and I can enjoy a nice dinner out and a relaxing evening!

After lunch I proceeded to Target to pick up a prescription and get some new trash cans with lids (Doug has decided the trash cans are a fun place to rummage in). Despite having called in my prescription hours ago, I had to wait about ten minutes for it. Afterward, I went to the in store Starbucks there to get myself my usual chai latte. There was a manager there, covering for the barista while she 'went to get supplies'. He said he couldn't make up the drink, but he could ring me up. I gave him a gift card, but he had trouble with it. Something had happened to it so that it wouldn't deduct the sale. The manager then put the balance of the card onto a new card so it would work. By the time he had finished with that, the barista had returned and made my drink. I went to get my drink and then I kinda waited for a second. I wasn't sure if my drink had actually been deducted from the card. So, I waited and then I decided I would slowly walk out. I thought, oh well, not my responsibility. Outside the doors of Target I began to rationalize my actions, 'I had to wait at the pharmacy,even though I'd called in my prescription', 'There was some one sitting on the bench and I had to stand and I am so sore and tired!'. When I realized I was rationalizing, I realized I was in trouble. I decided to go back in and double check that my drink had been actually paid for. The manager had been very nice about the whole card thing and I didn't want to take advantage of that whole confusing situation. He told me that it had been paid for. I left feeling better, but a bit confused, because I didn't think my balance had changed (I will admit that cold medicine is muddling my brain a tad more than usual today). But I did try and make things right.

When I got home, a package of clothes I'd ordered had come early!

So cheers, because it's almost Friday!

Table For One

Last week I got to spend some much needed time by myself. My parents had gone away on vacation and my in-laws were visiting. I needed to go to their house to feed the cats daily, and my in-laws stayed with Doug while I did this. I enjoyed nothing more than the drive to and from my parent's house. While I was driving I got to listen to whatever I wanted on my iPod. I got to crank up the music when 'Jump Around' came on and sing loudly and off key to my show tunes. Most of all, I was by myself. I was able to peel back the layers of daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother and illness for just a little while and reflect on who I was at the core.

Before my parents left my mom had promised me that the Monday after they came home, she'd come and take Doug for the day. All week I'd been looking forward to this, salivating over it as if it were a big juicy steak. Finally the day came. My mom promptly picked Doug up at 8am. I had no idea what I wanted to do! Part of me wanted to lay in bed all day, drink coke, eat popcorn and watch movies. The practical part of me (the one I kept telling to shut up) thought that running various errands without Doug would be a good way to spend the day. I decided that I would think about my options and go back to sleep for a while. Well, the realtor decided for me. She called me about 11, waking me up, to tell me that some one was coming by at 1:30 to see the house. I had no desire to be home while some one else was here, so I got my rear in gear and got up. I grabbed library books that needed to go back, Doug's birth certificate that needed changing, a skirt that needed mending, called in a refill to the pharmacy and grabbed my Nook.

I decided that my first stop was lunch. In the fall I'd discovered a brunch place called 'Eggspectation' in Columbia, not far from where I had to take the birth certificate. During my pregnancy I had a horrible craving for poached eggs, but I'd never had them before and couldn't because of the undercooked egg. I've since discovered that I love them, so lunch at Eggspectation was a real treat for me.

Before I was married, I would have been horrified at the thought of eating alone. I'd see people doing it and wonder how on earth they managed to. I've even found that eating lunch out with Doug is awkward. People give me odd looks while I have a conversations with him. Anyway, Monday I decided I was totally over the weirdness of eating alone. I brought my Nook to read and had a lovely time eating all by myself. I didn't have to worry about the next bottle or crankiness. I didn't have to eat while some one tried to throw himself into my plate. It was just me enjoying a nice meal with my Nook. The only not amazing part was how quickly the food and check came. The waitress sensed my unwillingness to leave and told me I could sit there for a while, which I did. Eventually I decided it was time to go and attack my various and assundry errands.

Even though it was a very busy day, it was nice to just be by myself, for a little bit. I'd found a certain kind of zen factor in being by myself and doing things. I didn't have to be anything else to anyone else. I never have regretted my relationships with other people. In many ways, they define who I am, give me my place in this vast universe. However, sometimes its nice to shed a few layers, if only for a few hours.

Material Girl

I have to say, one of the things I like least about myself is my infatuation and need for things. As an adult, I've realized that I have this flaw and I do try very hard to over come it.

When I was in college, I was always hungry for purses, gadgets, shoes, whatever. I would inevitability succumb to this need and buy whatever it was that I wanted. Sure, I'd be interested in it for a little while, play with it, wear it out, whatever, and then I'd get interested in something else, and whatever the new thing was consumed me. Then I met Jeff. Suddenly, I wasn't so invested in my computer or a new cell phone. As time went on and I started working, I became even less prone to buying stuff. I grew as a person and realized that I didn't need things to fill my life so much.

Every now and again it gets a little hard to resist the urge. I'm out shopping with a girl friend, or some one shows off a new gadget and and this little monster inside of me rears its ugly green head and screams, "I WANT THAT!". Usually, I can over come this. I ask myself "Do I really need that?" "Is it going to make me happy?" (usually the answer is no, of course not). "Can I afford it?" and "Will I still want it in a few weeks/months?" Generally, I can leave whatever it is in the store and by that evening or the next day I've forgotten about it. Once in a while I'm prone to some retail therapy. Last week I bought a new purse (less than $25) that I didn't exactly need. But I liked it, and so did Doug and I'd had a very stressful day dealing with the doctor. Overall, I think I'm doing much better, especially as I realize we're running out of room to keep things!

Friday we dropped Doug off to spend the night with my parents, and decided that we were going to go to Thai and a movie. We finished dinner and had almost two hours until the movie started. The movie complex is in a little outdoor shopping mall. We decided to take a stroll and do some window shopping. The first store we came across was a Sprint store. I said, some what jokingly, that we should look at new phones, as ours were three years old. Well, more accurately, I believe that I said, "The Smithsonian called and they were interested in my phone." Jeff said we could look, "just look", so we went inside. The store was mostly empty at the time. I saw some phones with qwerty key boards, which I've been lusting after for some time. The salesmen came over and asked us some questions, and I asked him if we were eligible for an upgrade, it being three years since we got new phones. I have to tell you, I've never gone so long without purchasing a new phone! Anyway, it turned out that we were both eligible, and had been for quite some time, for new phones. To make a long story short, we each got a new phone.

Initially I felt a little guilty about getting a new phone. I don't need one, and it won't make me happy (well it will, but not that kind of happy). But it does fulfill one of my axioms. It was affordable, as it was free! So I've decided that this was a guilt free pleasure. Sort of like fat free frozen yogurt, but you know, good.

Sunday

I love the routine of Sunday. I have ever since I've graduated from school and gotten married. Sundays sucked in school. It was always the night you had to make sure you were up in all your reading for class and caught up on all your homework. Sundays were drudgery, hardly a part of the weekend at all.

When we got married, Sunday became the day we get ready for the rest of the week. We do the laundry, some cleaning and go to the grocery store and Costco. I love going to the grocery store. Nothing is so satisfying as having fresh groceries in the house for the week.

Now we're usually up early on Sunday, mostly thanks to Doug. I like that too, though. We get to church early and then we get some breakfast and then come home before we go out shopping. I love relaxing Sunday nights with Jeff and Doug after dinner when all the laundry is done.

I also love Sunday because that's the day we put fresh sheets on our bed. I swear that's one of the best feelings ever, getting into bed with nice fresh sheets.

Sunday is a great day, it helps me get into the right frame of mind for the coming week.

Happy 4 day work week!